Harry Potter and the Gardener's Trowel
by SexyGoose
Summary: Chapter 5's been up for a while. 6...once i write it, will come soon. review it...or else. not really or else...but review it.
1. The Boy Who Didn't Die

It was dark as night fell on number 4 Privet Drive. The only thing on the street was a tabby cat sitting on a ledge. Out of nowhere a man with a long white beard popped out of thin air. He pulled out what looked like a lighter from a set of robes he was wearing. He held it up to the sky and clicked it once, nothing happened. He tried again, again nothing happened. "Darn thing's so faulty. If there's one thing I'll remember until I die it's never buy American" he said.

The man walked over to the ledge where the cat was sitting and stopped before it. He knelt over and said, "You can stand up now, Professor McGonagall." An extremely plump woman stood up and told the man "How did you know I was there, Dumbledore?" "Well, it's hard not to notice a sixty-something year old woman bending down behind a two-foot-wide whateveryoucallit." Dumbledore said. "...Oh," McGonagall said looking thoroughly disappointed in herself.

"Anywho, is it true what they're saying Dumbledore?" Dumbledore gave her a look as if she'd stumbled upon a big secret.

"What are you talking about, Minerva? I've never lazed in a giant bath tub filled with Galleons upon Galleons of embezzled money from my previous occupations!"

"Um, actually, I was talking about the Potters being dead." She said.

"Oh," he sighed, "that. Yeah, they died Voldemort killed 'em. Kinda sad, isn't it?" Dumbledore said sounding as if he was chatting about weather, "Their kid's alive, though. I thought we should leave him here with the Dursleys, just to torture him for a while. Cricket! I've just remembered, Voldemort disappeared!"

"WOOHOO! F-I-N-A-L-L-Y! Where's the kid?" McGonagall asked. Dumbledore looked confused, "You know – what's his name, Herman, Harley, Haro–." Dumbledore had cut her off,

"No, I think it's Happy, or maybe Harvey" They continued to mumble on for a half an hour 'till the decided to call him Harry.

"Now, how's this Harry kid going to get here?" McGonagall asked Dumbledore.

"Hagrid's bringing him"

"You're trusting Hagrid with something of this impotence?"

"...Did you just say 'impotence'?"

"Ummm...er...eh...no?"

"Anywho, I would trust Hagrid with my life, well wait, no I wouldn't. I'd trust Hagrid with the school's safety, wait, wait not that either. I'd trust him with...God, what can I trust him with..."

"It's okay Dumbledore, let it go, I know what you mean."

"NO, MINERVA! I WILL FIND OUT WHAT IT IS THAT I TRUST HIM WITH IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!" he began to mumble things to himself, "I'd trust him with my Gringotts vault key, no, no, no, my shoe, no. How about my neighbor's sister's uncle's wife's cousin's aunt's daughter's brother's father's niece's lawn." At this he jumped into the air hollering, "I've got it, Minerva! I could trust Hagrid with my neighbor's sister's uncle's wife's cousin's aunt's daughter's brother's father's niece's lawn!"

"That's very lovely, Dumbledore but," she glanced at her strange watch that had pieces of fried chicken floating randomly across the face, "Hagrid should have been here 4 hours ago."

Just as she said this a giant flying moped came zooming toward them from the night sky. It landed a half an inch in front of Dumbledore's nose that was so crooked it had to be broken at least 20 times if not more. A man twice as tall as an ordinary man and 8 times as wide stepped off of the moped with a bundle of quilts in his arms. Dumbledore walked up to the man, "Ah, very good, you got here four hours late Hagrid. You've outdone yourself this time, I praise you." And with this he took a bow of gratitude toward Hagrid.

McGonagall stomped up to Hagrid and asked, "Why have you been so late? We've been worried sick about – what's his name again Dumbledore?"

"Harry, Harry you senile old fool!" he yelled.

"Yeah, Harry, that's it! We've been worried sick about Harry!" she said to Hagrid.

"Sorry, I thought I'd play with him a while before we came down. He ended up bumping his head really bad on a knife I had in my hand." He pointed to a lightning bolt scab on the baby's head. "I took him to the hospital though, they said that it will heal up nicely and that there will be no scar at all!"

Dumbledore snatched the baby away from Hagrid and said, "Let's hurry and do this so we can all be done with it." He heard some weird noises from behind him and turned to see what it was. Hagrid was crying his eyes out.

"I'm sorry Professor Dumbledore, it's just, all the time we've spent together..." he leaned over and gave Harry a big furry, itchy, scratchy kiss. When he pulled away Harry's face had a series of scratch marks on it.

"God, now look what you've done, Hagrid! Give me the baby, Dumbledore"

"No"

"Give it to me"

"No!"

"Give it here"

"But I don't wanna!"

"JUST GIVE ME THE DARN BABY!" she screamed. He quickly handed her the child. "Now, I've already written a letter to the Dursleys explaining everything that has happened to the Potters and how Harry's going to be living with them for the next couple decades."

She set the two on the front porch then turned to Dumbledore and said "Good night, Albus."

"Aren't you going to join in the parties?" he asked

"No, I don't think so."

"A very good night to you, Minerva. Good night Hagrid."

"Good night Professor Dumbledore. Good night Professor McGonagall." She turned away hid behind the ledge once again. Dumbledore went into the street, lifted up his lighter like thing and clicked it once, again nothing happened. "God, why bother with American made merchandise. WHY DO I BOTHER!" and with this he disappeared back into thin air. Hagrid turned and hopped back on his moped, riding off into the night.

A strong gust blew, knocking off Harry's blanket. Harry Potter shivered because all he had on was a diaper. He didn't know he was famous, or that there were parties, cause he was a baby. But all around England that night people were yelling: "To Harry Potter – The Boy Who Didn't Die!"


	2. The Zoo

**Just letting you all know the chapters until they get Hogwarts might be a little dumb. I promise it'll get better though. I've got great ideas, just not for chapters 2 till Hogwarts so I'm relying on tea with extra sugar to get some funny.**

****  
  
Ten years had passed since Harry was dropped on Mr. and Mrs. Dursley's doorstep. Ten years that the Dursleys had to live with putrid, pathetic, pompous, preposterous, pimping, pinhead Potter, as the Dursleys would have said. Harry on the other hand would say he had to live with the daffy, doofy, dumb, Dursleys (Harry doesn't know too many adjectives). 

Harry heard a rapping on his bedroom door, "Wake up! Wake up!" Aunt Petunia shrieked. She started to knock harder. Harry sat up right away, already fully awake. Still, Aunt Petunia was banging heavily away screaming to get up. Then fwoom! Her fist shot straight through the door hitting Harry smack dab in the jaw.

"Ow! What did you do that for, filthy little wench?" he mumbled.

"What did you say to me, boy?"

"Nothing, nothing at all whatsoever." He lied.

"Now hurry up and cook the SPAM! Diddy, Diddy-widdy-wibble-dibble-sibble- goobie, come downstairs and open all of your presents."

Dudley came running down the stairs, stopped over Harry's room and jumped, then again, and again, and again. POW! He jumped so hard that he fell through the stairs and landed right on top of Harry's head.

"Ge oba be ooh ba aah!" he screamed under all 900 pounds of Dudley. Dudley got up and waddled up to the kitchen table where he had 5 very small presents waiting for him to open. Harry stalked into the kitchen to be brought down again by hearing his least favorite song in the world, which coincidently happened to be Dudley's favorite, the song: "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd

"Do we have to listen to this rubbish?" he asked.

"Yes! You will listen to this song till your brain becomes rancid, boy!" Vernon said. And with that he turned the volume on the stereo to full volume.

"The SPAM isn't going to jump onto our plates!" yelled Aunt Petunie

"Can it, Dursley!"

"What did you say to me?"

"NOTHING! You're freakin' hearing things!"

"Now you've done it, boy!" Uncle Vern bellowed. He brought out concert sized speakers and turned it to the song.

"Gah! Can we just go to the zoo?" Big D asked.

"Oh, I suppose. Let me just ring Mrs. Figg to let her know we're dropping off the kid" said Petunia. She picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello, you've reached Arabella Figg. I'm in the hospital cause I tripped on the dang cat – again. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you." Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

"Great! We'll just have to take him with us, I guess."

"Aaw, come on. Do we have to?" Dud asked.

"It looks like it"

"No, Petunia – I will not have that boy in the car. He might steal my Kenny G collection!"

"Don't worry, hun, nobody wants to steal your Kenny G collection. Heck, come to think of it _nobody_ would want to steal _anybodies_ Kenny G collection."

"You've got that right," said Harry.

"Of course I do now shut your mouth before you get forty lashes!"

"CAN I JUST CALL PIERS PLEASE?!"

"NO!" all three said in unison.

"Chh, I will anyway, you can't hold me down, you oppressors. Wherever there is somebody who is denied what they want, need or cherish, I'll be there. For I am the Oppression Exterminator, here to liberate the people who have suffered. Just know, honey chile, that I–"

Petunia whacked him on the head with her sledge hammer. "Vernon, did you forget to give him his medicine again?"

"...Sorry love, I was just so excited for today."

"Oh, like you were excited for yesterday and every day of the last 6 years?"

Harry felt like that he didn't say enough so he cut in, "Can we go to the zoo now?"

"Fine, grab your parka."  
  
On the way to the zoo, in their 1980 pinto, Uncle Vernon was having his mumbles that usually consisted of Harry, bikes, birds, bees, the birds and the bees, knitting, science fiction, Kenny G, Harry, Queen, Kenny G, airplanes, fried chicken, Harriet the Spy, Harry, Queen, Harry and the Queen. "I absolutely love Kenny G. The way that he plays his horn, it's just so enticing. And he's gorgeous too; I mean I wouldn't mind having him wake up next to me every morning. Quite the stud muffin, that man."

"Vern! What are you talking about?"

"What? W-was I talking out loud?"

"Yes, now shut your mouth!"  
  
They finally got to the zoo, but it took an hour to get out of the parking lot because Dudley got stuck in the car – again. They got their tickets and soon gained entry into The Fabulous Zoo of the Animals of This World which was a complete exaggeration as there were only 2 exhibits: the snail and the leech.

"Let's go see the snails first, daddy!"

"Wait, I'm hungry, son."

"BUT I WANNA SEE THE SNAILS!"

"In a moment, let me just get a sundae!"

"Hush, hush now poppet, we'll see the snails." They all walked up to the sundae stand where "I Wanna Sex You Up" was playing.  
  
"Okay, now that we've all got our ice creams,"

"But Aunt Petunia, I didn't get one!"

"We've got our ice creams, lets go see the snails!"

"Yay!"  
  
They got to the two exhibits, but the snail tank was filled with lobsters.

"Aaw, fooey I guess we'll have to look at the leeches." Said Aunt Petunia Dudley ran to the leech tank to look in at them.

"Dad, make them move!"

"Move, move leeches or I'll bust a cap in your a–"

"There's no need for that kind of language Vernon, just tap the glass."

Vernon tapped the glass but nothing happened. "Oh, come on son, it's okay maybe another time"

Harry walked up to the leech tank, "Garsh, it must be boring just staying in a tank all day, huh?"

"Actually, yes." said a high-pitched voice.

"D-d-d-d-d-did you just talk to me?"

"Actually, yes."

"I'd bet you'd like to be set free."

"Actually, yes." Just then Dudley rammed into Harry causing him to fall on his rear.

"Dad, dad they're moving!" he pressed his fat face up to the glass, then all of a sudden it disappeared. The leeches adhered to Dudley's face. "Mum, mum, get these off of me!"

"You!" Vernon grunted.

"What? I didn't do anything! I swear! I'm not a wizard!"

Vernon grabbed Harry and dragged him to the car and locked him in. "Don't you dare touch my man!" He went back to get Dudley and Petunia.

When they got home he threw Harry into his cupboard and said through the little flappy, "You are too a wizard – wait, no you're not! Shut up, Don't Talk to me!"

**Incase you're wondering why I stuck "the" in front of the last "queen" was 'cause I was talking about the queen of England, not the band.**


	3. The CRAZY and Giant Man

**Chapter 3 is dedicated to: Benni, for being my first (not perverted); Jasmine, for all her help; Jesus, I love ya, man; Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, they're 18... I'm 14 though so why do I care?; and of course J.K. Rowling, for thinking up this incredible world **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any businesses, products or any other things I don't own in this story, I only own the FFACOTUSOA, the Fruit Fly Awareness Committee of the United States of America.**  
  
Since the happenings of the leeches, Harry had been confined to the cupboard under the stairs. When he was allowed out school was out and Harry was at least 15 pounds lighter. Dudley, on the other hand had gained a whopping 75 which already added to his 923 pounds totaled him at 998. While Harry was on house hiatus Dudley had broken all five of the Popsicle sticks he had received for his birthday.  
  
"UP! Get up, get up, get up, get up. GET UP!" Aunt Petunia shouted

"¿Quién golpea esto en mi soledad?" said Harry in a voluptuous Spanish accent.

"Harry, don't you start acting like that with me, bucko. I'll have you know that I am a black belt in ka-ra-teh. Don't you even think that you'll get away with a stunt like this."

"Boku-tachi wa ikiru hodo ni. Nakushite'ku sukoshi zutsu."

"Just what in God's name do you think you're doing?"

"Boku-tachi wa ikiru hodo ni. Nakushite'ku sukoshi zutsu."

"Stop with that fancy talk or you're out of here!"

"Lysersde stemorblomster eter zebras."

"VERNON! VERNON, COME OVER HERE!"

"Yes, my squeeze melons...wait, no. Crap, that isn't the way I wanted that to sound..."

"Listen to the boy, Vernon!"

"Lysersde stemorblomster eter zebras."

"My God, Petunia. We've got to get him out of this house before he comes in contact with Dudley. After all, Petunia, this might be contagious."  
  
They grabbed Harry and packaged him in layers of plastic wrap in fear of contracting this unknown unknownness. They drove him down to the hospital where they were met with a doctor named Harvey Shippou, known world-round for his expertise in unknown unknownness.  
  
"Well," he said taking a seat, "what've we got today?"

"It's the boy, doc, he's crazy and we would prefer if he were left here," said Uncle Vernon.

"Lysersde stemorblomster eter zebras."

"STOP IT OR IT'S TO THE CUPBOARD WITH YOU!"

"John–"

"Oh thank God, English!"

"Aura la botte fumée."

"You filthy little..."

The doctor quickly cut in, "Hmm... 'John will have the smoked boot.' Mr. Dursley, relax, Harry's just C.R.A.Z.Y."

"HAH! I told you, Petunia, didn't I tell you? I said 'Petunia, he can't stay, he's crazy!' and I know why too, it's cause of the w–"

"Yes, yes, the water he's drinking Vernon, I know."

"No, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, C.R.A.Z.Y. stands for: Can't Really Act Zealous Yet. In simple English for you simpletons it's simply he's got the Foreign Language Incoherent Babbling."

Vernon and Petunia were quiet for a moment, then Vernon spoke up, "So you're saying he's Babbling Incoherently in Foreign Languages?"

"No, I'm saying he's go the Foreign Language Incoherent Babbling. Relax, though, a few shots will clear him up. We've done some testing and we believe it's from extreme solitude."

Aunt Petunia smiled, "Shots eh? Good, the pain will set him straight."

"No Miss Dursley, I mean shots of whiskey, not injections of medicine."

"...Oh, well I guess that's fine too..."

"Can we speed this up a bit? I've got some Kenny G to loo...listen to, yes listen to, not look at."

"Yes Mr. Dursley, it won't take but a few minutes." Dr. Shippou led Harry to the back room where he had served the shots to our young under-age Harry where they sang karaoke to Three Dog Night's greatest hits, played strip twister and paraded through Middlesex singing "Barracuda." When they reentered the exam room Harry and Dr. Shippou were about the drunkest people in London. "Well Mrs. Dursley," he said, speaking to Vernon, "I think that Ha – Ha – Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

"Come Vernon, this place is so bourgeois, I feel the class being sucked out of me even as we speak." And it was true, Mrs. Dursley's hair was becoming frizzy and her dress wasn't as sparkly clean.

"I think so, Petunia. Can we just take It and leave, Harv?" They grabbed Harry without bothering to wait for the doctor's permission since he was rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at a Bert and Ernie toy.  
  
"Oh, God! Kenny G who would I hunger for if there weren't you?" he turned to Petunia who was wearing a look of shock on her face from that last comment. Then he quickly added, "If my darling Petunia weren't alive?"

"That's better," she said.  
  
They arrived at home to find Dudley's new Smeltings uniform on the porch.

"Dudley, Dudley darling, come try on your uniform for mumsey."

"Okay, mummy!" he responded and he practically threw himself down the stairs knowing that if he tried it on like a nice little boy that he'd get a nice crumpled 2234 pound note in his hands. He grabbed the uniform, raced upstairs and came back in a vaudeville type outfit holding a fire poker.

"Oh, how adorable!" squealed Aunt Petunia. Harry on the other hand thought it looked like somebody had tried to squeeze a manatee into a horse that was squeezed into a zebra.

At the next mornings lunch everything was as usual. Aunt Petunia placed their meals on the table, giving Harry quite a lot less than Dudley. CLICK, the mail had arrived.

"Dudley, go get the letters."

"Make Harry."

"Harry, go get the letters."

"Make Aunt Petunia."

"Petunia, go get the letters."

"Have Harry do it."

"Harry, retrieve the mail if you will."

"Why?"

"Because I freaking said so."

"Fine!" Harry got up from the table and went to the mail slot, cursing Uncle Vernon saying that he hoped a giant one of those cool converse shoes landed on top of him. Harry grabbed the mail and looked through it: bill, bill, bill, bill, letter for Dudley, postcard from Aunt Marge, letter for Harry, bil – letter for Harry? Why who in the world would send Harry a letter. He read the entire envelope just to make sure:  
  
Mr. Harry Potter  
Living room  
4 Privet Drive  
Little Whinging  
Surrey  
  
It certainly seemed like him. So instead of hiding it in his pocket where he could read it in peace inside his cupboard, he decided to announce it to the table. "Look everyone, I've got a letter!"

"What do you mean you've got a letter? Who would write to a sad little orphan like you?"

"Oh it says – Hogwarts Schoo-" Petunia quickly snatched the letter from him.

"Vernon, my God. Vernon, come over here now!"

"What is it 'Tune?" he said without leaving his chair, "It just looks like one of those letters saying he's won a million dollars."

"No, Vernon, get over here." He picked himself up from his chair and went to Petunia. "Now, let me see this blasted letter." He snatched it from her hands read the back, "OUT, GET OUT BOYS!"

"But father, can't I have a look?"

"NO! LEAVE."

"But daddy."

"LEAVE MY KITCHEN OR THIS WILL BE THE LAST MEAL YOU EVER HAVE DO YOU HEAR ME DUDLEY?" screamed Aunt Petunia.

"Well can't I stay? It's my letter!"

"Did you just ask a question, boy?" asked Vernon.

"Did you?"

"Don't you sass back to me, kid or I'll have your guts for garters."

Just then Harry got an idea, "Seinen Sie ruhig, nimmt das Kissen ihr Schläfchen!"

"Vernon! Vernon it's starting up again!"

Harry took their distraction as an opportunity to grab the letters, but something happened. As he went grabbing for the letter millions of letters starting appearing out of nowhere all for Harry, all from the same place. Now instead of being smart and just picking one off of the floor, Harry did the second idiotic thing of the day; he went grabbing the air for one of the letters instead.

"YARG! We're leaving! I'm giving you 10 minutes pack your stuff!"

Petunia, Dudley and Harry went to go get their things when Vernon grabbed Harry from behind,

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To pack my stuff."

"Oh no. You're going to stay in the same clothes until we get back."

"Okay, it's easier that way."

"...Pack your crap..."  
  
They were speeding down I 23 looking for a place to stay. They had gone to every inn in Great Britain for shelter, but alas everywhere was full. They tried the Holiday Inn, Super 8, Jiffy Lube and even the headquarters of the FFACOTUSOA who were always there to help a fruit fly hating neighbor. No place had enough space for four people to stay.

Then something occurred to Harry, Aunt Petunia was pregnant, and they were riding on a donkey. It was 11:11 when they finally found a place to stay. It was a little cottage-like thing, only it had one wall, no door and a flat roof. There was a tiny manger in the center too.

"Ah, they won't find us here," said Uncle Vernon while unrolling an "I Want Kenny G's Body" sleeping bag.

While Vernon, Petunia and Dudley slept, Harry made himself a birthday cake in the hay on the ground. He looked at his watch and started the countdown 49:23.43, 23:56.64, 11:34.65, 04:13.0, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 12 o'clock.

Harry saw somebody approaching in the distance. Then he looked up there was a star pointing down to where they had decided to camp. That was odd. The person was drawing closer. Harry realized that it wasn't a person but people. Two people, a man and a woman, the woman was riding on a donkey. The woman was wearing what looked like a burkah thingy, only without the face hider. They made it to the camp-like site with puzzled looks on their faces.

"Joseph, what are these people doing here?" asked the woman.

"I don't know, Mary," responded the man. He went up to Vernon and jabbed him with his staff. "You, yeah you. What are you doing here? Do you not see the star above this place? That star is for our baby, not yours. Now get the crap outa here."  
  
So they trekked on into the night, searching for a place to stay. A few miles later they decided to go to the local Wal-Mart to buy a tent to pitch on the rocks out at sea.

"What about this one Vernon? It's got one room and no door? How's that sound?"

"Oh, absolutely wonderful, I'll take it!"  
  
They rented themselves a boat and sailed out to a rock at the sea. It was 2 o' clock when they had all settled down. Harry was almost asleep when a massive storm started.

Then all of a sudden a door fell onto the floor and a massive man with an extremely scruffy beard came into the tent. The entire tent awoke in utter panic.

"Who the bloody heck are you?" questioned Uncle Vernon.

"I am Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys, I don't really know what that means though and Grounds at Hogwarts."

****

**I know it's lame, but it'll get better once he enters the wizarding community.**


	4. Story in the Storm

**Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does. I also don't own any business, product, etc. in this story unless specified at the end of the chapter.  
  
Special Thanks and Dedications: Olivia Newton-John, you're the one that I want you are the one I want ooh, ooh, ooh; Mrs. Fields, you always knew the way to my heart; Peter from Family Guy, "Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?" priceless; and before I forget, Ben Stein, Stephen King and all the other meaninglesses I had to step on in order to make it in the world today.**

"Rubeus you say? Now is it pronounced 'Ru-bay-us' or 'Ruby-us' because the movie really messed me up?" asked Uncle Vernon.

"It's 'Ru-bay-us' you ballooned buffoon of a baboon! Now, Harry are you ready to go?" Rubeus asked.

"Where to, Rubeus?"

"Oh, call me Hagrid. Wait – where to? What do you mean where to? Don't you know?"

"Know what?"

"Where you're from? Where you belong?"

****

"Oh! You mean Aunt Petunia's bed!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, when I first turned 8 Aunt Petunia said to me 'this, my bed, is where you belong. Whenever I need anything you'll come and supply me with it'."

"WHAT!?" Dudley screamed, "You told me that I, and only I, belong in your bed! We'll see if you ever get any from me anymore!"

Aunt Petunia gasped, "You know that the only place I feel comfortable doing it is in bed!"

"Yeah, well you can have somebody else go to your bed and give you your insulin."

"Hey people, can we talk about me again." Harry demanded more than requested.

"Sorry," said Hagrid, "now what do you mean you don't know? Didn't they ever tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Harry, you're a wizard."

"No, I'm Harry, just Harry."

Vernon cut in, "spare us the cheesy movie lines."

"Fine. I'm a huh?"

"A wizard." Said Hagrid.

"A what?"

"A FREAKING WIZARD! And Dumbledore said you'd be smart."

"Don't insult the boy's intelligence." Vernon surprisingly said.

"You shut up, muggle." Vernon became really sad and looked down at the floor and noticed the door. "Hey, where'd this door come from?" he asked.

"Oh, I brought it for dramatic effect."

"Oh, okay – proceed."

"Okay."

Hagrid began to dig into his many pockets searching for something unknown. He opened one pocket, dug through it and pulled out something that looked like cow feces. Harry hoped that whatever Hagrid was looking for wasn't that. Hagrid went through pockets upon pockets of pockets looking for that something he was looking for that the Dursley/Potter clan didn't know of. After nearly an hour of searching Hagrid pulled out an envelope.

"Hey! That's my letter!" shouted Harry.

"I know that, kid. I was sent to give it to you."

"Oh, well, give it to me!" Harry snatched the letter and ripped it open  
  
HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore (_Order of Berlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlockstress '47, Supreme Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards_.)  
  
Dear Monsieur Potter,  
  
We're glad to tell you that you are accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Enclosed is a list of things that will be needed for completion of your first year. School starts on September first. We are waiting for your owl which we expect by July 31st.  
  
With much love from,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

"A-wa-huh?" questioned Harry.

"Huh?" said Hagrid.

"What do they mean they are waiting for my owl?"

"Don't you know how to send a letter?"

"Not by owl."

"DURSLEY! Didn't you tell him anything!?"

"You old fool! We've discussed this already. He's a wizard, we knew and we didn't tell him!" interrupted Aunt Petunia.

"You knew?" asked Harry.

"Of course we did. My sister being the freaky little freak she was, then going out to marry one and popping out you. I knew you'd be just as freaky. Then she just had to go get herself blown up!"

"Blown up? You told me that they were looking for the Titanic when a multitude of angry cannibalistic pirates came and gorged heavily on their uncooked remains!"

"CANNIBALS!" burst Hagrid, "yow in the world can cannibals kill Lily ad James Potter? What lies! How could you keep his past from him when everybody knows his name?"

"Why? What happened?" asked Harry.

"It all started with a man called – I don't wanna say his name."

"Oh, go ahead."

"Nah, I don't like to."

"Well...write it."

"Oh, fine." He got out parchment and a quill and wrote it down.

Harry looked down at the paper then said, "Bethany? Why won't you say that?"

"It doesn't say Bethany bubble face!"

"Well then what does it say?"

"VOLDEMORT! Why did you make me say it?"

"Well, why won't you?"

"Well jeez! Everybody is afraid to say his name. I mean all the stuff he did to all the people that opposed him. Why in – ooh," he shuddered, "I can't even say."

"Well then how'd they get blown up?"

"You-Know-Who went to your house on Halloween when you were one year old and demanded to get to you. Your parent wouldn't allow it though. Your father told Lily to take you and hide so he wouldn't get you two. Your dad tried as hard as he could, but You-Know-Who killed him.

"He went into the room where your mom took you to hide. He told her to step aside, that he didn't have to kill her. She wouldn't leave you though. He pushed her out of the way and sent a curse to you, but she jumped in front of the curse to save you.

"Finally it was just you and he. He fired the curse at you but something happened that nobody can explain. Instead of killing you, it backfired and his soul was torn from his body. He fled before he was too weak to survive."

"So did he die?"

"Most people'd tell you yes. But me, I don't buy a word of it. He's out there, inhabiting animals, waiting for the day that one of his cronies will come and bring him out of his hiding."

"Oh..."

"HOW LOVELY THIS ALL IS!" interjected Aunt Petunia, "But he's not going!"

"Yoy! I gotta tell Dumbledore!" said Hagrid. He pulled out a frumpy owl, a piece of parchment and a quill. He began writing:  
  
Dear Professor Dumbledore,  
  
I've given Harry his letter. So urgent, urgent, urgent. Wait and see how urgent supply shopping can be. Can't wait to be back.  
  
Your greatest friend,

Hagrid.

He rolled up the letter tied it onto the owl and threw it into the storm.

"Now, get yourself to bed or you'll be in big trouble mister. Oh and you" he said to Dudley, "get over here!"

Dudley came waddling up to Hagrid. Hagrid conjured a cake behind Dudley.

"Turn around" he said.

Dudley did so and went bounding for the cake. WAZOOSH! Dudley sprouted a pig's tail.

Hagrid boomed in laughter, "That cake's for Harry, biatch."

**Well, there you have it. I'm not too fond of the ending, but it was the best of the ones i came up with. All the other ones made it feel like it was the end of the story, so I accept this lameness.**


	5. Chapter 5 because i can't find a decent ...

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter stuffs. I also don't own Kellogg's. Kellogg's owns Kellogg's and JK owns Harry Potter. I also don't own Spiderman or Marvel Comics. Don't own Matel or Barbie either.**

**Special Thanks and Dedications: Sierra, you sexified (not really) lady. um...hm...Molly Ringwald Sixteen Candles was awesome. Anthony Michael Hall, dude, you shouldn't have done The Dead Zone. The Mythbusters, love the show, guys! Keep it up! **

**Suggestions: I suggest if you read it to review it, just so I can see what I can be doing better on.**

**Warning: if you don't like semi-graphic deaths...too bad you've been warned.**

Harry awoke the next day thinking of the wondrous dream he was having of a man in a lovely mink robe and extravagant rings. He opened his eyes to find a very similarly looking man leaning over him.

"Ah, Harry, you're awake!" said Hagrid.

"Yes. Hagrid?" he asked

"Huh?"

"Hagrid."

"Huh?"

"HAGRID!?"

"WHAT?"

"Oh...you heard me the whole time, huh?"

"Yes, now what do you want?"

"CRAP! I forgot! Oh yeah! I had a dream about a man who looked a lot like you and he played the piano. Ack, I forgot his name though. Do you know who it is?"

"Liberace," he said solemnly, "that was my identity before I went into hiding."

"Oh."

"Well, you'd better eat your breakfast before it gets cold." He pulled out a box of Raisin Bran.

"Ooh, Raisin Bran."

Suddenly Harry grabbed at the background in a sheet of clothy silkness. Hagrid and he began to sing.

"Raisin Bran, Raisin Bran..." they rang out simultaneously.

"Um...do you know the beat to the rest of the Spiderman theme song?" asked Harry.

"No, no I don't. Oh well." Hagrid said while ripping away the flashy Las Vegas showgirl background revealing the same schlumpy old hut.

Harry finished his two scoops of raisins in every box of the delectable goodness that is Kellogg's Raisin Bran. He picked up the envelope with the school letter so he could read it. He looked at the letter and read: blah, blah, first year. Out came the school supply list.

"Hey Hagrid, did I notice this stuff last night?"

"I don't know, I don't have chapter four with me right now."

"Oh, okay. Well let's look at it anyway."

UNIFORM

5 sets of Tickle Me Pink robes.

2 non-dunce wizard hats.

Leather teddy.

"Hurt me, hurt me I'm sure no way!" said Harry.

"Beastie." Hagrid responded.

"You're totally blitzed."

"Bag your face!"

BOOKS

So You Want To Learn Magic?

Moshi-Moshi: A Guide To Muggle Communication

Standard Book of Spells: Grade 1

Defensive Magic: Defending Yourself in Dire Situations.

Magic and Muggle Herbs and Flowers

OTHER

1 Wand.

1 cauldron

1 Set of scales

"Is this everything I need?" asked Harry.

"Well all that's required of you. You could also bring a cat OR a toad OR an owl."

"Okay, well let's get going then!"

They left the hut and got into the boat to sail off to the mainland.

"Why look at that!" exclaimed Hagrid, "You've gotten a scar from that cut after all, haven't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I have."

After leaving the boat they got onto a train to head to downtown London. On the way Hagrid was explaining a number of things to Harry. Mostly he kept saying how he wanted a dragon more than anything in the world.

"So, now that we're here, where in the world are we going to find all this stuff?"

"Diagon Alley, you silly goose!"

"Diagonilly?"

"Diagon Alley, you twit!"

"Well, how do we get there?"

"Through the Leaky Cauldron!" said Hagrid pointing to a building right next to them. Upon entering Harry immediately knew that this was a freaky place. Everywhere he looked there were nudes. Not your regular embarrassed nudes either, but your freaky absolutely comfortable nudes.

"Hey, Hagrid shall I get you your usual?" asked what seemed to be the Chief Nude.

"No, thanks, Tom. I've been sent by Dumbledore to get Harry his school things."

Upon hearing the word "Harry" all the people in the bar looked around and gaped. Almost immediately they rushed over to Harry and began to bow before him and chant completely inunderstandable words. After they'd finished Harry pointed to tom and asked what all this was.

"We're the Open Grasslands Of The Field Of Joy Which Also Worships Harry Potter Nudist Cult," he said.

"Oh...I understand. But do you need to be so extreme?" Harry asked while they were all save one standing in a circle seasoning a ham in the strangest manner.

"Yes, it's required of us." He said joining the group, adding the oregano.

"Oh, I get it." He then turned to the one standing away from the rest of the group, "Why aren't you seasoning the ham as well?" he asked.

"I'm Jewish." He responded

"Aah."

"Well, Harry, we'd better get going. We _have_ a lot to do after all." said Hagrid.

He led Harry out to a brick wall in the back of the building.

"Hagrid, what's this supposed to be."

"Watch." Hagrid said with a hint of excitement. He pulled out his Barbie umbrella and tapped the first, then first, then second, then third, then fifth, then eighth, then thirteenth then twenty-first. The bricks started to magically shift forming an arch for them to enter the newly visible alley. The alley was filled with shops for all sorts of things. There were shops for wands, robes, books, pets, apothecaries and millions of other things.

"Where are we going first, Hagrid?"

"Gringotts bank. It's the most top security bank in the world!" Hagrid said as they walked into the bank.

Just as they entered a security elf came over the PA, "Attention Gringotts customers. Due to the recent entry the terror level is now orange. Thank you."

"Why was the threat level heightened cause of you?" Harry asked.

"Oh, no, chile. The threat level was heightened cause of _you_."

They approached a wooden desk with a little goblin sitting behind it. Hagrid leaned over and said, "Yes, Harry Potter would like to make a withdrawal."

"Aah," the goblin said "But does Harry Potter have his key?"

"Do you?" Hagrid asked.

"Why would I have a key when I barely figured out about this world 10 hours ago?"

"Yes, you're right. Well I s'pose I've got it somewhere." He began searching his pockets for the key that would open the vault with Harry's money. "Well here it is!" he said after a few minutes searching. He gave the key to the service goblin who inspected. After looking over the key he called over a goblin,

"Griphook, take these people down to vault 713." he said.

"Sure thing, boss." Griphook responded.

"Wait," said Hagrid, "Dumbledore's told me to get you know what out of you know where in vault you know which where you know what will ask for you know who, who will meet you know who you know where at you know when."

"Okay. Take them there too, Griphook." the goblin said.

Griphook led them across the room to a mine cart, which even Hagrid had to clamber into. Griphook turned around and asked them if they were ready and comfortable. They said yes and off they were. Zooming at a thousand miles per hour, going faster and faster every second, they made their way down to Harry's vault. Harry, who was used to going at fast speeds because of Dudley's gang, was sitting pleasantly looking at the scenes passing him by. Hagrid, on the other hand, had his eyes shut tight as he didn't like fastness.

"Wow, Hagrid! I think I just saw a dragon." Harry said.

"Don't talk to me, son!" Hagrid responded angrily.

Finally they reached Harry's vault.

"May I have the key, please?" Griphook asked.

"Here you go."

Griphook stuck the key in the key shaped hole. In an instant the door became thousands of little metal cubes and fell away. Loads of black smoke came billowing out of the vault. Harry looked into his vault, looking at the piles of bronze, gold and silver coins. He, Hagrid and Griphook all walked inside, but people were already there.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" asked a man, "This is the _papal election_!"

"Yikes, well...we won't take long." Hagrid told him.

"What are all these coins?" Harry asked while taking handfuls of each type.

"They're Galleons, Sickles and Knuts. There are twenty-nine Knuts in a Sickle and seventeen Sickles in a Galleon. Easy, isn't it?"

"ONWARD!" yelled Griphook and they got into the cart and zoomed off. Faster and faster, then faster some more, trying to get to vault 713's door.

The cart stopped abruptly at the vault. Griphook hopped out of the cart and Harry and Hagrid were about to do the same.

"Stay away! See, unless a Gringotts goblin does that the person will be immediately sucked into the vault where hungry Quintapeds will fall from the ceiling and consume them." Griphook told them. They did as they were told and stayed in the cart. Griphook took his finger and stroked the door. It melted away like the clocks in the painting. Harry expected to see fabulous jewelry or chalices or perhaps a righteous lawyer. It wasn't so; instead all he saw was a one-foot by five-inch package.

"Why is that so top security?" he asked Hagrid.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that."

They all got back into the mine cart and escalated up to the main floor of the bank and left.

With Harry's newly gained money he couldn't wait to get shopping.

"Where now, Hagrid?"

"Madam Malkin's Robes, of course." He said as they walked inside the shop.

"Well hello, Hagrid! How've you been?"

"Good, now let's get down to business. I've got a tight schedule."

Madam Malkin gave him a look of being freaked out.

"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? GET WORKING!" he said pointing his wand at her temple.

Shaking, she grabbed the needle and starting pinning Harry's robes.

"That's right, yes. Yeah. Ooh, all right." Hagrid kept repeating.

Harry looked to his left at a young boy with normal blonde hair and pale skin.

"Hello." the boy said.

"Hello." Harry responded

"Are you going to Hogwarts, too?" he asked.

"I sure am!" Harry replied.

"What house do you think you'll be in? I hope I get Hufflepuff. Just imagine if we were put in Slytherin! What kind of loser would want to be in _that_ house!"

"I would!" said the platinum blonde haired boy standing on the stool next to him. "Everybody knows Slytherin is the place to be." he continued, "I mean there's lying, cheating, muggle tormenting! Why everything any child has ever wanted Slytherin has to offer!"

"I completely agree," said the pale blonde boy next to him, "Father says I'll be sure to land in that house."

"Well _I _know for a fact that I _will_ get into Slytherin. My father, Mr. Lucius Malfoy, knows the sorting hat."

"Yeah, okay." the first boy said sarcastically, hopping down from his stool and leaving the shop.

"You'll see, pretty boy." the Malfoy kid said.

Madam Malkin had become comfortable with Hagrid's love for the stitch, too comfortable in fact. She was putting in her last pin when she slipped and pinned Harry in his finger.

"Oh, that does it!" screamed Hagrid. He put his wand up to her head and spoke words Harry didn't understand. She fell over dead the next second.

"Whoa, Hagrid!" Harry said shocked, "Thank God that was just an extra robe and not the first one she was doing." Harry grabbed his stuff, hopped down from his stool and left the store.

They went into Flourish and Blotts next so as to buy the schoolbooks. There were books piled to the ceiling and then some in that store. After buying his needed books Harry decided he wanted to get another book for reading, entitled, but Hagrid wouldn't allow it. He told Harry that he wasn't magically skilled enough for that sort of thing even though the book was _Flutes for Bakas_.

Hagrid wouldn't let Harry get the platinum cauldron saying that the list specified aluminum, even though it didn't. He did get himself a nice set of scales for potion weighing, though.

"Now, you go on into Ollivanders' while I go get something, k?" Hagrid told him

"Okay." Harry said.

He walked into the wand store and was about to turn out because nobody was there when, "Hello, Mr. Potter," a voice said.

"Who-who's there?" Harry asked.

"Why, it's me Mr. Ollivander. I was waiting for you to come and now you're here! You don't know _how long_ I've been waiting for this day." He said lighting candles.

"Why were you waiting so much?"

"Because I just _couldn't_ wait to see you.

"Mr. Ollivander, I don't want to talk, I just want a wand."

"Mr. Potter! Are you trying to seduce me?"

"No, I'm not. I'd like a wand, please."

"Fine, get over here."

Harry followed him to the back of the room where all of the wands were stored.

"Get on the chair. GET ON THE CHAIR!"

Harry hopped onto the chair.

"Now spread out your arms!"

He did as he was told. Mr. Ollivander began to take Harry's measurements.

"Here try this. 9 inches, unicorn hair made of birch." He handed the wand to Harry and immediately took it out of his hands. "How 'bout this one? 14 inches, dragon heartstring, maple." Again as soon as Harry touched it it was ripped from his fingers. This went on for what seemed like hours. "Hmm...I wonder," he said to himself taking a wand down from the shelf. "Here, holly, eleven inches phoenix tail."

Harry felt all warm inside when he grabbed the wand. And when he waved it red and gold sparks flew from the tip.

"Oh, hooray, hooray, hooray! Very curious, though, very extremely curious."

"What exactly is so curious?" Harry asked.

"Well, you see, the phoenix who gave that feather gave another, but just one. It's so strange that you happen to get this wand when the other feathered wand belonged to You-Know-Who. Thirteen and a half inches, made of Yew. Every wand I've sold I remember...strange...Dumbledore...spaghetti sauce..."

Harry took this rambling as prime time to leave especially without paying. He sat on the bench in front of the shop for a few minutes when Hagrid came up the seat carrying a large Snowy Owl.

"What's this Hagrid?" Harry asked

"It's your birthday present from me!"

"Oh, wow! Thank you!"

"Well, now that you've gotten everything you need I guess we'll be going home now." Hagrid told him.

They left Daigon Alley and went back into the Leaky Cauldron where they each had a hamburger. They then went to the train station where they boarded his train back Privet Drive.

"Well, here you are." Hagrid said in front of Number 4, "I'll see you soon." He bent over and gave Harry a scratchy razor sharp whiskers kiss.

"AAH, MY FACE!" Harry screamed, "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY FACE! GOOD BYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

**I know, completely unfunny but I stretched the writing over freakin'...a month and a half I think it was. Plus I'm completely drained of all my creativity now that school's started seriously I didn't even bother to edit anything. Which reminds me that I gotta study for my Spanish test. So hasta (or however you spell it) la vista, babies. Um...aand I'll probably only be able to write this during Saturdays but don't worry it should be out before Halloween if it isn't I'll be mad. And if this isn't indented, I'm going to be REALLY MAD! Oh! aand, you can probably expect the whole thing or the majority to be re-written around Christmas because I'm severely unhappy with this chapter.**


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